I am too forgiving

So my boyfriend was taken to detox twice in February and was arrested on Valentine’s day.  But me being me, I keep forgiving him because shit don’t I deserve forgiveness also?? He is in inpatient (again) but I am pretty sure that no one else would stick by him and all of this stuff yet here I am – so what does that make me? An enabler or just a fucking loser??

I am TRAPPED

I am not married and yet I am trapped.  M was arrested and put into detox for the 2nd time in one month in february.  On Valentines day he was arrested and also brought to the hospital.  YET STILL I AM HERE.  I did succesfully convince M to commit to inpatient treatment for 30 days so he is doing that now but that has now left me living and running his life.  I have no one to talk to.  My everyday schedule revolves around his – I can’t say anything because he is in treatment and god forbid I upset him more.  Today I brought M to his doctors appointment and I was mean.  I didn’t mean to be, but it was like I no longer had a connection to him.   I thought that I wanted this relationship but now see that our relationship will always be me + M + Booze and thats fucking intense.  I so want him to get better but at the same time I am realistic.  This is his 3rd time in rehab. Is he really going to stay sober??? (no) so where the fuck does that leave me?? The stress is causing me to drink and to really be an overall unhappy person.  I am so lonely and don’t know what to do. 

Something happy to make you smile

After the shit I went through last night I could definitely use something to brighten up my day and this post from Buzzfeed did just that.  LOVE IS LOVE.Z

These Grandfathers Getting Married Might Just Make You Well Up http://www.buzzfeed.com/alanwhite/these-grandfathers-getting-married-might-just-make-you-well

He blew a .32

So tonight was supposed to be fun – pizza and trivia with my best friend and boyfriend – sounds pretty typical right? WRONG. This afternoon the boy was drunk, slid on black ice and got a concussion.  He was somehow allowed to go home where he proceeded to drink himself sick starting about 1pm. I knew he had been drinking,  but had no clue about the extent of it. We went to trivia where he was promptly cut off. He left the bar and my best friend and I stayed because we didn’t want to deal with his drunk ass. Apparently while out wandering the streets he puked 3xs and had the cops called on him. We found him before the cops did and brought him to the ER. All he did was lie so I was suddenly put into the awkward situation of telling the hospital staff about his addictions and alcoholism.  They snuck me out of a side door so that he did not see me and freak out. The nurses told me that because he was so drunk he will likely not remember how or why he got to the hospital and they promised to not disclose my involvement.  I feel bad because I dont feel bad, I am actually quite disgusted and mad at him and his behavior.  I have someone in my life who needs saving but who I cannot help.  At the same time I cannot continue to watch him destroy himself because he is destroying me. I feel as though I have nothing left because he has drained me of everything yet here I am crying on the couch and once again worrying about him instead of myself.  Sorry for the rambling… xo

Awful reminder of what rape does

In one of my first posts I mentioned being raped as a teenager. No one seemed to care because the guy was my “boyfriend” and they also completely ignored the fact that he was 21 while I was only 16. I have done my best to block out the events of that night because even just thinking about it makes me physically ill.  A couple of years ago a guy had sex with me on the side of a dirt road while I was blackout drunk. Is that considered rape? I dunno. I just know that event was not enough motivation for me to change my behavior and in fact only made me feel worse about myself.  Anywhoo none of that really matters and I dont even really know how I got onto that tangent so sorry. Back to Slate’s article:

Daisy Coleman attempts suicide after being bullied AGAIN. No wonder rape victims do not speak out: http://slate.me/1kqApwT